Positive Mindset, Balanced Life..

My Journey to self love. 

I am 28 years old. I have never loved myself. I have been in a constant battle for 28 years with my body, hating it, prodding at parts I can't stand to look at, punishing it for not looking how I wanted it to look, ignoring it and worst of all, harming it. 

Years of overeating, eating too little or sometimes nothing at all led me down a path of severe depression and self harm. Every time I would start a new "diet" in hopes of not being fat anymore, restricting myself, exercising till I threw up, losing 14lbs easily in under a month all to quickly gain it back when I couldn't sustain that lifestyle anymore. I gave myself so many rules, no eating after 4pm, no more than 1,000 calories, no less than 2 hours exercise every day and no rest days. It's truly not a surprise I couldn't last more than a month.

I came across happy but inside I wasn't, I was so sad. Lonely, exhausted. I stayed home everyday because going out would interrupt my food and exercise routine I had created for myself. That carried on for years until I gave up when I was 24. I was tired of yo-yo dieting. So I actually gave up and when I write gave up I mean that I just ate whatever I wanted, still hating myself but using all of my favourite foods for comfort. Second, third and sometimes even fourth helpings of mac and cheese, four packets of crisps (usually mccoys) sharing bars of chocolate, doughnuts and everything else that was bad for me. 

In April 2018 I realised I couldn't do this to myself anymore. My knees were starting to hurt and I had gotten to 314lbs, my blood pressure was high and I was worried for myself. I was shocked. It was truly the kick I needed but I knew I didn't want to diet, I knew I had to develop healthy habits, habits that I could do every day. I needed a healthy relationship with food, with my body. We know our own bodies better than anyone else and we just need to start listening to them, they know what they need. I dug my fitbit out of my underwear drawer where I had hid it away so I didn't have to look at it because it was a constant reminder that I wasn't looking after myself. I downloaded the fitbit app (again) and the my fitness pal app (for the hundredth time) and I started to educate myself a bit more on mindful eating. Taking time to myself to enjoy my food, to slowly eat it with no distractions and learning when I was satisfied. 

I found workouts on Youtube (there are some really good ones on there) or I put music on and dance for 45 minutes, sometimes longer, sometimes shorter. I have rest days. I write down what I eat on a piece of paper and then I log on my fitness pal at the end of the day and put it all in, I don't spend my days calorie counting although I do like to know how much I have eaten. Usually between 1,500 to 1,900. My fitness pal recommend 2,020 for me. I am currently 291 lbs, I have a long journey ahead of me but I feel like this is my time and I am going to grab it with both hands and go with it. 

Life is too short to spend it hating yourself and not eating foods you love, everything is about balance, moderation. Nourish yourself with foods that make you feel good, exercise to show your body love. I have learnt that my body is strong and resilient and that my mind is a powerful thing. So is yours. I recently read a quote on pinterest that said "You will never speak to anyone more than you speak to yourself in your head. Be kind to yourself." It is so true. I always speak to myself, now instead of saying hateful stuff I say positive stuff to myself. My body will never again hear that it's not worthy, my bum will never be told to cover up because it's too big. If I can't love myself at my current weight then I won't love myself at my ideal weight. 

I'm not going to just put band aids over my scars, I am going to heal myself, love myself and care for myself. I am my priority and you should be yours. Don't forget about yourself, take time for yourself even if it's just 20 minutes in the bath with a book, 30 minutes yoga in the morning before work, even just a quiet cup of tea with a biscuit or cleansing your face. Take it, take that time for you and don't feel selfish for it. 

Be your own biggest fan, cheer for yourself. Don't waste time wishing you had someone else's boobs, legs. bum or hair. You're just telling yourself you are not good enough and believe me, you are. I am the happiest I have been in a long time, I am not afraid to eat food I just stop when I am satisfied, I take my time, I drink my 2 litres of water a day and believe me it is not a lie when they say it clears up your skin because my skin has never felt or looked better. I am in a really good place mentally because I ditched diets and created a better relationship with food, with myself. If just one person reads this and it makes them feel good or better about themselves then I am happy. I am writing this in perspective of someone that's been there, someone that's still there. Some days I do struggle with my emotions, Anxiety and depression are not easy to shake off but I am working on myself every single day, I'm getting mentally stronger. 

Trust me, find balance and everything else will start to fall into place.

I won't apologise for my thighs that touch and wiggle or my belly that has stretch marks. I won't apologise for loving myself even if you think I shouldn't. I am apologetically me. ME. (I will apologise for the mess in my bathroom...)

Love, Karlee x